In
December 1990, I thought I was leaving my problems behind me. I had
been evicted, with no food, no money, and a drug and alcohol
addiction. In the finest tradition of addicts everywhere, I thought
what I needed was a new location-not realizing that by taking ME with
me, the problems would be waiting.
My
favorite uncle was living in Ohio at the time. While a functioning
alcoholic with anger issues, he was the closest thing to normal in my
family. I went to visit him, my Aunt and Cousin and after realizing I
was homeless, asked me to live with them on one condition: I had to
get a job.I
found a job relatively quickly, and one that was perfect: I worked in
a beer drive through. My co-workers all had similar addictions and I
on a couple of occasions got a fix from them. My taste for drugs
decreased as I began to sample the new-to-me variations of alcohol.
My arrangement with my relatives, living in their finished basement with very few responsibilities, was great: however my Aunt considered herself a matchmaker and had someone in her sites for me.
No one I knew as far as I can remember had what I would call a loving and happy marriage. My parents as well as my grandparents slept in separate beds, I witnessed few signs of affection, they lived separate lives. The larger problem was, I didn't understand marriage in the biblical sense, it had neither been explained to me, nor shown to me. Therefore, my only understanding of it was the earthly, or physical sense.
For someone who had such a low opinion of himself, and was unsure of who he was or even how to find out who he was, marriage was the last thing I needed. But marriage and family is what everyone wants, right? So that is what I did.
I got married in 1991 and within a few months, I knew I had made a disastrous mistake. My Grandpa, as I said earlier, was a preacher. However, he never taught me anything about the Bible, all that I knew, I knew from him talking to other people. One of the only things I remember him ever saying was that 'Divorce was the only sin God couldn't forgive.' I assumed he was right: so my bad new marriage led to a disastrous nearly twenty year marriage. During the marriage, I was abused, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. For someone who already has a low opinion of themselves, hearing how worthless you are and how incapable you are of doing even simple things is not only believable, but takes away from what little self worth you have.
The drinking continued, I also became addicted to both food and pornography, and would often break down crying when no one was around. I knew I had to get out of my marriage-if I didn’t, one of both of us would die as I had begun to FANTASIZE about killing either myself or my wife.
The death of my Grandpa in 2007 was a turning point. He was someone I loved dearly and his death was tough: but a funny thing happened, I had professed to wanting to be like him, but I found it was more than just words. Although I had no intention of becoming a minister, I began wanting to find my way back to Jesus again.
I began reading the Bible, asking Him to clarify things for me. The first change I saw was my addiction to porn started to lessen, then disappear.
People who say they are 'staying together for the kids,' are fooling themselves: kids know what's going on. My divorce was painful on my kids, but would have been more painful on them if we had stayed married.
Today, I am addiction free (besides coffee and chocolate that is), and did become an ordained minister. I use my God-given talents as a writer. I just completed a biography about 19th Century Statesman, who after his conversion at age 70 was a changed man: even though Clay has been the subject of numerous biographies, this was never covered.
I am also today happily re-married, and to someone who is both a Godly woman and my best friend. I love waking up each day now knowing He loves me: and knowing He trust me to protect and be a Godly husband to beautiful lady.
All that I am is because of God-he chose to pull me out of the slime of sin and call me His own. His name be praised forever!!
