In Cadence!

In my little epistle via the World Wide Web, I have endeavored to put a whimsical or a theological spin on things I am thinking. Today’s capsule is a rant. All that read pass this point buckle up.

I am a member of the Ohio Army National Guard, and have been since 2008. I have learned many things since my enlistment: none of them useful. I have learned how to wear a beret in the shower. I have learned there is a reason the army chow hall (known as the DFAC) has hot sauce at the end of the line. I have learned if you walk through a room full of higher ranks than you, carry a clipboard-none of them will stop you.

I have been trying since September to transfer to a Tennessee unit-that is where I live now. My Ohio unit is the same unit that took six months to realize I was there. I mean I was still getting paid but I was never on any roster: so I knew this would not be painless.

However, there are hard and fast rules you learn when you raise your right hand.

1) If the not in the contract, the recruiter never said it

2) Mother Army is always right.

Now knowing these two rules, I turned in my gear in November-but February they realized it was there.

With the timeless logic that only someone brainwashed to absolutely follow orders will understand, I have now been transferred from Springfield, OH to –Springfield, OH. Pulling me out of one slot and into another is technically a transfer and if I had wanted a transfer to Tennessee I see now I should have moved to FL.

Here comes problem #2-I am undeployable.-so I am being deployed. I have approximately 13 months t fix my broken back and make it as if it never happened. I just need to order a new one from the Army. I wonder what form I will need?

My MOS (that’s how JOB is spelled in the military) is computer repair and I was the first one ever at my unit. Being first is not always a good thing. Imagine your success rate if you tried to cross the San Francisco Bay but you got there first: before the bridge builders  did-how much could you accomplish?

I had wanted t serve my country. I had bought into the BS of ‘being all you can be’ and ‘an Army of ONE,’ so here I was, broken and being ignored because there was nothing for me to do-so I was assigned to the Motor Pool.

‘Rule 3’ is no one does what their job is in the military.

We have a full staff of cooks, but civilian caterers feed us or we have box lunches. We have MP’s who the only time I see them carry weapons is when they are guarding the bathroom (sorry, ‘latrine’) during our monthly drug tests and me who as a computer tech was changing the bearings in Humvee tires.

Is it just me or should the logo of the Army be someone banging his head against the wall?

So-what do we have? We have billions of dollars being spent to train soldiers to do jobs they don’t do. We have more billions being spent on gear that we are issued that we never need and spending hours in training briefs where they tell us if it is cold outside to dress warmly so as to avoid becoming sick. This is called Cold Weather Training (CWT). Guess what Heat Training tells us to do-if it’s hot, drink water.

Anyone who has been in the military will know what I’m saying is true. Those who haven’t will be convinced I couldn’t possibly be serious.

And what are the up sides to being in a branch of the military? People seem to respect you: even if you sham out of every duty you are ever assigned, don’t follow orders, and spend your free time roasting ants with a magnifying glass, people still respect you. You also get paid, but what you get paid doesn’t relate to how much you know or what you do. You are paid according to rank-and all rank until you hear the E-4 grade is paid by TIG or time in grade. The military is very like a union in that as long as you show regardless of whether you do anything or not, you will get raises.

Is the military indispensible? Is it capable? Is it dependable? It depends on how we define each of these terms. It is indispensible in the fact that it will never be gotten rid of-like foot odor or ugly dresses. It is capable only if rated any other government run agency. Is it dependable? Well-its there and has always been there-is that dependable?

The military is another example of anyone can run anything if the expectations are hard to nail down. The National Guard has been around longer than the country-its slightly better organized and less in debt. Anyone can be an officer-and anyone has. Look at who this service has cranked out in the early days of the country. Andrew Jackson was a General and President: and rotten at both. He attacked the Indians and took their land only to have it returned by his superiors. So he became President and took it away again.

Then you had Zachary Taylor- he became President because he unquestioningly followed orders and declared war illegally, took land and gave it to America. So of course he’s perfectly equipped to lead a nation-being a bully must be a requirement.

But I’m not saying not to be a soldier either. Thomas Jefferson was never a soldier and he left the Governor’s mansion during the War for Independence to save his own skin: another fine example of leadership.

So what am I saying? I’m saying military doesn’t make or break-it does not change who you are-although sometimes it can have everlasting effects on you.

You don’t need to raise your hand to enlist-don’t buy into the lie.